Las Vegas and The Department of Homeland Security

Man I needed a vacation. A week in Vegas will clear one's head I highly recommend it. Take money with you, partying like a rock star gets pricy.

Getting to Vegas is a pain in the ass.

The Department of Homeland security is an organization that was established to protect us, the good citizens from the evils of terrorism and to keep our nation safe. (note the sarcasm) They have enacted laws to prevent terrorism that have no hope of preventing anything. Those laws exist solely so the thongs of soulless morons that follow the government blindly can sleep securely knowing that some idiot on an authority trip is inspecting my luggage so I can't hijack an airplane with a lighter and a Diet Coke.

I'll admit, on the way OUT to Vegas things were entirely my fault.

I forgot I had my lighter in my man purse. As you may surmise, I was detained, my purse rummaged through searched and left without a lighter for the remainder of the day. I came to discover that I could have had a whole box of matches, but no bic.

I was annoyed, but not pissed. I was hoping beyond hope that there was a Cinnabon in the airport and my frustration would melt away amongst the pecans and frosting.

There was NO FUCKING CINNABON THE COLUMBUS, OH AIRPORT (CMH). What kind of podunk operation doesnt have a Cinnabon in their airport? I fly semi frequently and have never not had one. But I've never flown out of Columbus, OH. I never will again that's for damn sure.

CMH to MSP (Minneapolis / St. Paul)

MSP is quite a nice airport. Here's the best thing about them... they have many points of entry through security. That means no lines. Even though the lines are mostly non-existent, let me give you some simple advice in the airport security lines.

1. Take your shoes off before you get to the conveyor belt. Even though there will never be another shoe bomb the Government has to chase it's tail and inconvenience us, so help your neighbor out and don't take longer than necessary.

2. Take EVERYTHING out of your pockets and put it into your carry-on whatever. Ladies I know you carry purses, fellas, get a man purse. It's fashionable and useful. With nothing in your pockets, theoretically there will be no beep-beep at the detector and the line can go faster.

3. If you buy a souvenir that may have the most remote of chances to be misconstrued as something contraband, UPS it home or check it with your other luggage. Don't try and bring it on the plane. It's always a hassle.

4. Smokers (like me) get some matches. Also get some gum. Chances are you have to go outside, past security to smoke then you have to repeat the frisking to get back in.

MSP to LAS (Las Vegas)

A very non, eventful flight...

On the return trip...

LAS to IAH (Houston)

Leaving Las Vegas, I followed ALL of the rules. I had nothing in my pockets, hat off, belt off, shoes off, no lighter, no matches, no nothing in my pockets, just a man purse with a book, 2 cookies and an extra shirt for when we landed.

I know enough to keep my hatred of the government silenced in an airport because the first amendment has been suspended there. However as I walk through the detector I hear the horrible beep-beep.

I'm asked if I have any metal on me. I lift my shirt to show no belt, zipper, or anything.

I walk through again... beep-beep.

ME - "oh fuck"

TSA ASSHOLE - "will you step over here, sir?"

ME- "do I have a choice?"

TSA ASSHOLE - "no"

ME - "then I guess I'll step over there, then.

I step into this glass cage with footprints on the floor and a chair in the corner. I sit on the chair as commanded and lift my feet for inspection. Then I stand on the footprints arms out DaVinci style palms up and the wanding begins.

TSA ASSHOLE - "so how was your stay in Vegas"

ME - "Great until now"

TSA ASSHOLE - "why is that"

ME - "why do you think, moron? Do I look like the 'type'"

meanwhile the wand nears that area between my bellybutton and my dick and the wand goes off again.

TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm asking again if you have any metal?"

ME - "I'm telling you again, NO, but that's not the answer you're looking for is it?"

TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm doing my job sir."

ME - "Well, your job sucks."

The wand beeps again.

I'm given instructions on how to drop trou and prep myself for frisking.

FRISKING?!?! This guy fondled my sack like he was checking produce. If I wasn't straight and pissed off, I would have been aroused by it. He then proceded to check my crack, armpits, and hair for anything. Then the wand again. NO BEEP.

Thank God, the next step was an anal probe I'm sure.

TSA ASSHOLE - "You're free to go sir"

ME - "You mean I have my rights back?"

TSA ASSHOLE - "Have a nice flight."

ME - "Go fuck yourself."

After all of that, it was either a malfunctioning security device or some government fuckwad playing dirty pool. See what I mean? No security, just an opportunity to take freedom away a little at a time all the while the majority of the moronic populous thinks that we are more secure.

So I'm in the airport and my friend Moe calls me about a gig coming up. The venue has a crappy P.A. but that's not the focus. As we were discussing the P.A. requirements for the artist, I mentioned the speakers.

ME - "Did you blow 'em up"

The rest of the conversation isn't important now. I just said, "blow 'em up" in an airport without thinking. Oops.

I look around me and every eye within earshot is on me, staring.

ME - "Speakers, I was talking about speakers"

Then the loudspeaker above my head announces my plane being boarded. I quickly yet casually board my aircraft, shaking in fear that I'm going to be detained for talking about work. I finally relax when the plane is in the air.

Other than that, my vacation was awesome. Lots of booze, gambling, eating, being lazy, spending money, all things that make life good. I just wish that the government hadn't put such an ugly mark on the end of it.