I want to know the name of the person responsible for bad dancing by white chicks in clubs. Who came up with all the lame line dances that white chicks seem to gravitate toward?
You know what I'm talking about. Picture yourself in a club. You have an adult beverage in hand, you're talking amongst friends and then "Booty Call" starts to play. All the white chick, zombies make to the dance floor with the quickness and begin to line dance with a slack-jawed blank stare on their faces. The music goes into the "Cleveland Shuffle" and a few others that I can't recall. All the while some variation of the "Electric Slide (which is another fucking line dance)" is being wiggled to badly by dudes in their chairs looking at the zombie girls lined up. It's like a cattle auction.
When other dance music is played, they return to their adult beverages and wait for the next zombie dance song to be played, or worse they RErequest the songs that were just played.
I just don't get it. Why is unoriginal style and follow the leader all the rage? Why is is fashionable to be a sheep? Why can't white people dance? Why? Why? Why?
Friday, September 29, 2006
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Just Read it Already
I'm tired of bitching about the stupidity I see every day. Trust me I encounter some of the dumbest motherfuckers you would ever have the displeasure of meeting. My problem is that the more I notice it the less I notice anything else. It's like playing slugbug at a Volkswagon dealer. It just gets boring after a while.
So I search around and I read my friend's blogs. I read other site's blogs and then I read my own. I used to think I had some good stuff, but then I discovered there are people who write blogs about masturbating with a G.I. Joe doll crammed up their ass and they get thousands of reads per day. What the fuck is that? I guess I'm jealous. Jealous of their numbers, Jealous of their wit, Jealous that I don't have a G.I. Joe doll... ...whatever.
So what should I write about to be more edgy? Sex of course. Therein lies the problem. I really don't care. I enjoy it. I like to think I'm good at it. I hope you all do and are as well, but I really don't care who, what, when, where, why and how you fuck. It's not my thing. If you have something exciting like an orgy with midget triplets while having hot wax dripped on your nipples lying on a bed of pinecones I might be a little more interested, but who wouldn't? Really...
Of course you know that someone will do something to piss me off soon enough and we'll forget all about midget orgys (I think that's how it's spelled). At least for a while.
So I search around and I read my friend's blogs. I read other site's blogs and then I read my own. I used to think I had some good stuff, but then I discovered there are people who write blogs about masturbating with a G.I. Joe doll crammed up their ass and they get thousands of reads per day. What the fuck is that? I guess I'm jealous. Jealous of their numbers, Jealous of their wit, Jealous that I don't have a G.I. Joe doll... ...whatever.
So what should I write about to be more edgy? Sex of course. Therein lies the problem. I really don't care. I enjoy it. I like to think I'm good at it. I hope you all do and are as well, but I really don't care who, what, when, where, why and how you fuck. It's not my thing. If you have something exciting like an orgy with midget triplets while having hot wax dripped on your nipples lying on a bed of pinecones I might be a little more interested, but who wouldn't? Really...
Of course you know that someone will do something to piss me off soon enough and we'll forget all about midget orgys (I think that's how it's spelled). At least for a while.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Networking
My lovely friend Allie has had one of her blogs receive a review. (a good one, I might add) Click here to read the review.
Since I'm such a great guy and I have a small but mighty list of readers, I'm sending you my minions over to Allie's BLOG and to her myspace. The rules are simple, since her blogs are better than mine, read them, but don't neglect the guy who sent you there!
Cheers.
Since I'm such a great guy and I have a small but mighty list of readers, I'm sending you my minions over to Allie's BLOG and to her myspace. The rules are simple, since her blogs are better than mine, read them, but don't neglect the guy who sent you there!
Cheers.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Football
I just finished watching the Bengals / Steelers game. It was a great game. Both quarterbacks looked like shit, but the defenses were on fire. It pains me to say it, but the Bengals are the best team in the NFL as of today. Fucking Hell!!! The only negative from the game, aside from the outcome was the Steelers getting penalized twice for the dumbest rule in he NFL.. Taunting. A 15 yard personal foul. What the hell is that?
There's no crying in football. Who came up with this stupid rule? It isn't curling or golf. It isn't cricket or polo. Football isn't a gentleman's game. The NFL is trying to create a false image of the players and their "sportsmanship" Folks this is football. This is a sport where the objective of a defense it to slam the other team, specifically the guy holding the ball into the ground. There is hitting, pushing, shoving, cussing, spitting, sweating and all sorts of unrefined testosterone filled madness . Along with that comes the opportunity to cheer your team on and/or hype yourself. Taunting and celebrating are parts of the game. Whoever came up with that rule obviously never did anything good enough to be able to rub it in the face of their competition. I say we should encourage taunting, end zone celebrations, and all other forms of hype.
Oh yeah, note to Steve and Ralph... My fantasy team is undefeated and ya'll just plain suck.
Dance... dance... wiggle... middle finger... crowd wave
Taunting. E-Rock. 15 yard penalty. 1st Down.
I'll still win.
Piss Off.
There's no crying in football. Who came up with this stupid rule? It isn't curling or golf. It isn't cricket or polo. Football isn't a gentleman's game. The NFL is trying to create a false image of the players and their "sportsmanship" Folks this is football. This is a sport where the objective of a defense it to slam the other team, specifically the guy holding the ball into the ground. There is hitting, pushing, shoving, cussing, spitting, sweating and all sorts of unrefined testosterone filled madness . Along with that comes the opportunity to cheer your team on and/or hype yourself. Taunting and celebrating are parts of the game. Whoever came up with that rule obviously never did anything good enough to be able to rub it in the face of their competition. I say we should encourage taunting, end zone celebrations, and all other forms of hype.
Oh yeah, note to Steve and Ralph... My fantasy team is undefeated and ya'll just plain suck.
Dance... dance... wiggle... middle finger... crowd wave
Taunting. E-Rock. 15 yard penalty. 1st Down.
I'll still win.
Piss Off.
Monday, September 18, 2006
1 Year?
It's weird. My 1st anniversary was Monday, but since we've actually been together for almost 7 and known each other for over 10 years it didn't seem to have that 1st anniversary magic.
Not in a bad way, in a comfortable I'm glad we waited way.
We didn't have to spend the first year of marriage trying to figure out if we could stand living with each other, we figured that out long ago. (I'm still not sure about it, though... she snores)
All in all things are good. I have a wonderful friend, lover, and partner in my wife. She puts up with all of my shit with little or no complaint. She encourages me and backs me up. She's good in the sack and she can cook! Who could ask for anything more?
I hope there are many more years to come.
Not in a bad way, in a comfortable I'm glad we waited way.
We didn't have to spend the first year of marriage trying to figure out if we could stand living with each other, we figured that out long ago. (I'm still not sure about it, though... she snores)
All in all things are good. I have a wonderful friend, lover, and partner in my wife. She puts up with all of my shit with little or no complaint. She encourages me and backs me up. She's good in the sack and she can cook! Who could ask for anything more?
I hope there are many more years to come.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Cool Stuff
So as not to jinx it I won't go into detail, but there is something quite cool, new, exciting and fun coming up for me in about a month. As soon as things are finalized and I know it's going to happen I'll spill the beans.
For now you'll have to wait with baited breath like I am. Cheers.
For now you'll have to wait with baited breath like I am. Cheers.
Aging
I'm getting older. I'm not wrinkling, I still have all of the hair on my head and none in my ears. I don't need a prostate exam and fiber supplements. It's the initial stages of aging. All of the physical aspects of youth still exist, but the psychological and emotional aspects of middle age begin to creep in.
I'm the kind of guy that is not offended or shocked by anything. Recently my ethics and integrity have been tested for the first time. I'm normally the guy of questionable morality and ethics, but those have tightened little by little. I think that it's part of the aging process. Something happens on or about thirty that sneaks up and bites. I can't explain it, but I'm sure it's an improvement.
I'm the kind of guy that is not offended or shocked by anything. Recently my ethics and integrity have been tested for the first time. I'm normally the guy of questionable morality and ethics, but those have tightened little by little. I think that it's part of the aging process. Something happens on or about thirty that sneaks up and bites. I can't explain it, but I'm sure it's an improvement.
Monday, September 11, 2006
9/11
I was trying to keep my mouth shut yesterday. I woke up knowing what day it was and avoided the television and radio because I knew I'd end up pissed off.
ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH BULLSHIT!
IT HAPPENED. IT'S OVER. DEAL WITH IT.
When did Americans become a nation of over emotionalized sappy little pussies? What happened to the violent anger the country felt on September 12, 2006? What happened to righting the wrongs and getting the terrorists?
Now it's all about memorializing and immortalizing the victims of the attacks. Yes, they are victims. Yes, they were innocents. Yes, it was a horrible tragedy.
BUT!!!!!
A little over 3000 people died that day. According to the U.S. census bureau the population of the U.S. is 295,734,134. There is NO WAY IN HELL that almost 3 hundred million people are directly connected to 3000. The math isn't there. The mourning is almost a cancer. It grows and grows just because it can.
People in Juneau, Alaska are having remembrances and ceremonies because someone's father's, brother's, nephew's, uncle's, sister's, cousin's, aunt's, former roommate once looked out of the sky lobby window of the south tower six months before the attack. How is that constructive?
The families of the victims have my condolences and my sympathy, but some pig farmer in Lincoln, Nebraska that actually thinks "It coulda happened anywhere", is full of pig shit. Not everyone is a victim
That's the new American mentality. Everyone play the victim. Everybody get in a big group hug and cry about how the evils of the world have wronged us. People need to get over themselves. Guess what? People out there don't like us. They don't like our way of life. They are going to try and convert or kill us at every opportunity. I for one will not live in fear. I will not allow them to terrorize me. No self respecting American should either. Think about it.
ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE SEPTEMBER ELEVENTH BULLSHIT!
IT HAPPENED. IT'S OVER. DEAL WITH IT.
When did Americans become a nation of over emotionalized sappy little pussies? What happened to the violent anger the country felt on September 12, 2006? What happened to righting the wrongs and getting the terrorists?
Now it's all about memorializing and immortalizing the victims of the attacks. Yes, they are victims. Yes, they were innocents. Yes, it was a horrible tragedy.
BUT!!!!!
A little over 3000 people died that day. According to the U.S. census bureau the population of the U.S. is 295,734,134. There is NO WAY IN HELL that almost 3 hundred million people are directly connected to 3000. The math isn't there. The mourning is almost a cancer. It grows and grows just because it can.
People in Juneau, Alaska are having remembrances and ceremonies because someone's father's, brother's, nephew's, uncle's, sister's, cousin's, aunt's, former roommate once looked out of the sky lobby window of the south tower six months before the attack. How is that constructive?
The families of the victims have my condolences and my sympathy, but some pig farmer in Lincoln, Nebraska that actually thinks "It coulda happened anywhere", is full of pig shit. Not everyone is a victim
That's the new American mentality. Everyone play the victim. Everybody get in a big group hug and cry about how the evils of the world have wronged us. People need to get over themselves. Guess what? People out there don't like us. They don't like our way of life. They are going to try and convert or kill us at every opportunity. I for one will not live in fear. I will not allow them to terrorize me. No self respecting American should either. Think about it.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Can You Spare Some Change?
Can I get some spare change?????
I just returned from Las Vegas, as you know from my last missive. In Vegas, nearly everyone gets tipped. A gratuity is part of the normal compensation for most of the services offered.
$1 per bag if someone handles or carries them.
$2 per drink.
5% to the dealer for a winning hand.
$1 to the valet.
20% to your waitress.
The list goes on and on.
Where are there no tips, you may ask. Places like Starbucks, McDonalds (or any other fast food joint), retail outlets, or places where the employees are not traditionally tipped.
So why is it that the chick at Dairy Queen near my house has a tip jar by the register? It's not just DQ, it's everywhere. Wherever I go I see a tip jar where the "need a penny" try used to be. When did being a register jockey merit tipping? A tip is a gratuity for a service, the chick that took my order and money and then told someone else to make my meal didn't do anything to merit a tip. I'd rather give money to a bum or a crackhead.
The bums and crackheads are asking for money legitimately, the counter girl is trying to guilt tips out of foolish customers. Not me. Lately I've been an asshole. I use the tip jar to make exact change. If something costs me $5.79, guess where I get my $0.79? You got it. I'm doing my part to put the lazy American worker is his or her place.
Advice.... If you want a job that receives tips, go wait tables or tend bar. If you want to be a register jockey; then accept your hourly wage and deal with your poor career choices.
Perhaps I'll put a tip jar on the console at my next gig. Whhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=35548832#ere do you think that would get me?
I just returned from Las Vegas, as you know from my last missive. In Vegas, nearly everyone gets tipped. A gratuity is part of the normal compensation for most of the services offered.
$1 per bag if someone handles or carries them.
$2 per drink.
5% to the dealer for a winning hand.
$1 to the valet.
20% to your waitress.
The list goes on and on.
Where are there no tips, you may ask. Places like Starbucks, McDonalds (or any other fast food joint), retail outlets, or places where the employees are not traditionally tipped.
So why is it that the chick at Dairy Queen near my house has a tip jar by the register? It's not just DQ, it's everywhere. Wherever I go I see a tip jar where the "need a penny" try used to be. When did being a register jockey merit tipping? A tip is a gratuity for a service, the chick that took my order and money and then told someone else to make my meal didn't do anything to merit a tip. I'd rather give money to a bum or a crackhead.
The bums and crackheads are asking for money legitimately, the counter girl is trying to guilt tips out of foolish customers. Not me. Lately I've been an asshole. I use the tip jar to make exact change. If something costs me $5.79, guess where I get my $0.79? You got it. I'm doing my part to put the lazy American worker is his or her place.
Advice.... If you want a job that receives tips, go wait tables or tend bar. If you want to be a register jockey; then accept your hourly wage and deal with your poor career choices.
Perhaps I'll put a tip jar on the console at my next gig. Whhttp://www.blogger.com/post-create.g?blogID=35548832#ere do you think that would get me?
Monday, September 04, 2006
Las Vegas and The Department of Homeland Security
Man I needed a vacation. A week in Vegas will clear one's head I highly recommend it. Take money with you, partying like a rock star gets pricy.
Getting to Vegas is a pain in the ass.
The Department of Homeland security is an organization that was established to protect us, the good citizens from the evils of terrorism and to keep our nation safe. (note the sarcasm) They have enacted laws to prevent terrorism that have no hope of preventing anything. Those laws exist solely so the thongs of soulless morons that follow the government blindly can sleep securely knowing that some idiot on an authority trip is inspecting my luggage so I can't hijack an airplane with a lighter and a Diet Coke.
I'll admit, on the way OUT to Vegas things were entirely my fault.
I forgot I had my lighter in my man purse. As you may surmise, I was detained, my purse rummaged through searched and left without a lighter for the remainder of the day. I came to discover that I could have had a whole box of matches, but no bic.
I was annoyed, but not pissed. I was hoping beyond hope that there was a Cinnabon in the airport and my frustration would melt away amongst the pecans and frosting.
There was NO FUCKING CINNABON THE COLUMBUS, OH AIRPORT (CMH). What kind of podunk operation doesnt have a Cinnabon in their airport? I fly semi frequently and have never not had one. But I've never flown out of Columbus, OH. I never will again that's for damn sure.
CMH to MSP (Minneapolis / St. Paul)
MSP is quite a nice airport. Here's the best thing about them... they have many points of entry through security. That means no lines. Even though the lines are mostly non-existent, let me give you some simple advice in the airport security lines.
1. Take your shoes off before you get to the conveyor belt. Even though there will never be another shoe bomb the Government has to chase it's tail and inconvenience us, so help your neighbor out and don't take longer than necessary.
2. Take EVERYTHING out of your pockets and put it into your carry-on whatever. Ladies I know you carry purses, fellas, get a man purse. It's fashionable and useful. With nothing in your pockets, theoretically there will be no beep-beep at the detector and the line can go faster.
3. If you buy a souvenir that may have the most remote of chances to be misconstrued as something contraband, UPS it home or check it with your other luggage. Don't try and bring it on the plane. It's always a hassle.
4. Smokers (like me) get some matches. Also get some gum. Chances are you have to go outside, past security to smoke then you have to repeat the frisking to get back in.
MSP to LAS (Las Vegas)
A very non, eventful flight...
On the return trip...
LAS to IAH (Houston)
Leaving Las Vegas, I followed ALL of the rules. I had nothing in my pockets, hat off, belt off, shoes off, no lighter, no matches, no nothing in my pockets, just a man purse with a book, 2 cookies and an extra shirt for when we landed.
I know enough to keep my hatred of the government silenced in an airport because the first amendment has been suspended there. However as I walk through the detector I hear the horrible beep-beep.
I'm asked if I have any metal on me. I lift my shirt to show no belt, zipper, or anything.
I walk through again... beep-beep.
ME - "oh fuck"
TSA ASSHOLE - "will you step over here, sir?"
ME- "do I have a choice?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "no"
ME - "then I guess I'll step over there, then.
I step into this glass cage with footprints on the floor and a chair in the corner. I sit on the chair as commanded and lift my feet for inspection. Then I stand on the footprints arms out DaVinci style palms up and the wanding begins.
TSA ASSHOLE - "so how was your stay in Vegas"
ME - "Great until now"
TSA ASSHOLE - "why is that"
ME - "why do you think, moron? Do I look like the 'type'"
meanwhile the wand nears that area between my bellybutton and my dick and the wand goes off again.
TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm asking again if you have any metal?"
ME - "I'm telling you again, NO, but that's not the answer you're looking for is it?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm doing my job sir."
ME - "Well, your job sucks."
The wand beeps again.
I'm given instructions on how to drop trou and prep myself for frisking.
FRISKING?!?! This guy fondled my sack like he was checking produce. If I wasn't straight and pissed off, I would have been aroused by it. He then proceded to check my crack, armpits, and hair for anything. Then the wand again. NO BEEP.
Thank God, the next step was an anal probe I'm sure.
TSA ASSHOLE - "You're free to go sir"
ME - "You mean I have my rights back?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "Have a nice flight."
ME - "Go fuck yourself."
After all of that, it was either a malfunctioning security device or some government fuckwad playing dirty pool. See what I mean? No security, just an opportunity to take freedom away a little at a time all the while the majority of the moronic populous thinks that we are more secure.
So I'm in the airport and my friend Moe calls me about a gig coming up. The venue has a crappy P.A. but that's not the focus. As we were discussing the P.A. requirements for the artist, I mentioned the speakers.
ME - "Did you blow 'em up"
The rest of the conversation isn't important now. I just said, "blow 'em up" in an airport without thinking. Oops.
I look around me and every eye within earshot is on me, staring.
ME - "Speakers, I was talking about speakers"
Then the loudspeaker above my head announces my plane being boarded. I quickly yet casually board my aircraft, shaking in fear that I'm going to be detained for talking about work. I finally relax when the plane is in the air.
Other than that, my vacation was awesome. Lots of booze, gambling, eating, being lazy, spending money, all things that make life good. I just wish that the government hadn't put such an ugly mark on the end of it.
Getting to Vegas is a pain in the ass.
The Department of Homeland security is an organization that was established to protect us, the good citizens from the evils of terrorism and to keep our nation safe. (note the sarcasm) They have enacted laws to prevent terrorism that have no hope of preventing anything. Those laws exist solely so the thongs of soulless morons that follow the government blindly can sleep securely knowing that some idiot on an authority trip is inspecting my luggage so I can't hijack an airplane with a lighter and a Diet Coke.
I'll admit, on the way OUT to Vegas things were entirely my fault.
I forgot I had my lighter in my man purse. As you may surmise, I was detained, my purse rummaged through searched and left without a lighter for the remainder of the day. I came to discover that I could have had a whole box of matches, but no bic.
I was annoyed, but not pissed. I was hoping beyond hope that there was a Cinnabon in the airport and my frustration would melt away amongst the pecans and frosting.
There was NO FUCKING CINNABON THE COLUMBUS, OH AIRPORT (CMH). What kind of podunk operation doesnt have a Cinnabon in their airport? I fly semi frequently and have never not had one. But I've never flown out of Columbus, OH. I never will again that's for damn sure.
CMH to MSP (Minneapolis / St. Paul)
MSP is quite a nice airport. Here's the best thing about them... they have many points of entry through security. That means no lines. Even though the lines are mostly non-existent, let me give you some simple advice in the airport security lines.
1. Take your shoes off before you get to the conveyor belt. Even though there will never be another shoe bomb the Government has to chase it's tail and inconvenience us, so help your neighbor out and don't take longer than necessary.
2. Take EVERYTHING out of your pockets and put it into your carry-on whatever. Ladies I know you carry purses, fellas, get a man purse. It's fashionable and useful. With nothing in your pockets, theoretically there will be no beep-beep at the detector and the line can go faster.
3. If you buy a souvenir that may have the most remote of chances to be misconstrued as something contraband, UPS it home or check it with your other luggage. Don't try and bring it on the plane. It's always a hassle.
4. Smokers (like me) get some matches. Also get some gum. Chances are you have to go outside, past security to smoke then you have to repeat the frisking to get back in.
MSP to LAS (Las Vegas)
A very non, eventful flight...
On the return trip...
LAS to IAH (Houston)
Leaving Las Vegas, I followed ALL of the rules. I had nothing in my pockets, hat off, belt off, shoes off, no lighter, no matches, no nothing in my pockets, just a man purse with a book, 2 cookies and an extra shirt for when we landed.
I know enough to keep my hatred of the government silenced in an airport because the first amendment has been suspended there. However as I walk through the detector I hear the horrible beep-beep.
I'm asked if I have any metal on me. I lift my shirt to show no belt, zipper, or anything.
I walk through again... beep-beep.
ME - "oh fuck"
TSA ASSHOLE - "will you step over here, sir?"
ME- "do I have a choice?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "no"
ME - "then I guess I'll step over there, then.
I step into this glass cage with footprints on the floor and a chair in the corner. I sit on the chair as commanded and lift my feet for inspection. Then I stand on the footprints arms out DaVinci style palms up and the wanding begins.
TSA ASSHOLE - "so how was your stay in Vegas"
ME - "Great until now"
TSA ASSHOLE - "why is that"
ME - "why do you think, moron? Do I look like the 'type'"
meanwhile the wand nears that area between my bellybutton and my dick and the wand goes off again.
TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm asking again if you have any metal?"
ME - "I'm telling you again, NO, but that's not the answer you're looking for is it?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "I'm doing my job sir."
ME - "Well, your job sucks."
The wand beeps again.
I'm given instructions on how to drop trou and prep myself for frisking.
FRISKING?!?! This guy fondled my sack like he was checking produce. If I wasn't straight and pissed off, I would have been aroused by it. He then proceded to check my crack, armpits, and hair for anything. Then the wand again. NO BEEP.
Thank God, the next step was an anal probe I'm sure.
TSA ASSHOLE - "You're free to go sir"
ME - "You mean I have my rights back?"
TSA ASSHOLE - "Have a nice flight."
ME - "Go fuck yourself."
After all of that, it was either a malfunctioning security device or some government fuckwad playing dirty pool. See what I mean? No security, just an opportunity to take freedom away a little at a time all the while the majority of the moronic populous thinks that we are more secure.
So I'm in the airport and my friend Moe calls me about a gig coming up. The venue has a crappy P.A. but that's not the focus. As we were discussing the P.A. requirements for the artist, I mentioned the speakers.
ME - "Did you blow 'em up"
The rest of the conversation isn't important now. I just said, "blow 'em up" in an airport without thinking. Oops.
I look around me and every eye within earshot is on me, staring.
ME - "Speakers, I was talking about speakers"
Then the loudspeaker above my head announces my plane being boarded. I quickly yet casually board my aircraft, shaking in fear that I'm going to be detained for talking about work. I finally relax when the plane is in the air.
Other than that, my vacation was awesome. Lots of booze, gambling, eating, being lazy, spending money, all things that make life good. I just wish that the government hadn't put such an ugly mark on the end of it.
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