You all can sleep soundly tonight. The government has successfully thwarted another attempt of a wandering sound guy trying to get onto an airplane without incident. Thus demonstrating that the good, hard-working members of the TSA are doing their best to keep you safe and the United States free from terrorism.
Arriving at the airport I proceed to check in. No Lines, this ought to be good. I check my big suitcase and my Gator Case full of audio gear and tools. Nothing in the case should raise any suspicions, tools, cables, a mic preamp, tape, sunscreen, and misc. adapters. At the Dayton International Airport the baggage X-Ray machines are directly in front of the ticketing counter and people are able to watch their bags get screened. I stay. The suitcase sets off an alarm because the frame is slightly bent. (caused by baggage handlers on a previous flight) The Gator Case sets off an alarm because the scanner couldn't penetrate past the tools. I understand and proceed to assist the government peon in opening my case. After seeing the tools he opens a container of top secret butt wipes and swabs the tool bag which was a cosmetic bag at one time. He finds TRACE (meaning MINUTE) amounts of glycerin, a common ingredient in cosmetics, and calls a supervisor for a chemical inspection. The government thinks that I was going to blow up an airplane with 1/100th of a milligram of glycerin from my wife's old facial poof poof case. While this is going on I hear the "FINAL BOARDING CALL" for my flight and I haven't been through security for carry on stuff yet.
The company bought my one-way ticket this morning so it was flagged for random inspection at the security kiosk. Laptop in a tub, shoes in another, carry-on bag separated, belt off, wallet out, walk through the detector and proceed to the pat down area. While I wait to be frisked like a common criminal I watch the TSA peon at this station nest the tub full of shoes and what-not in and on the tub with my laptop. Then she proceeds to put the carry-on bag on top of that, potentially crushing my laptop.
"Would you mind not smashing my laptop?"
"It won't smash."
"That's not what I asked. Take the shit off of my laptop, now."
"Don't talk to me that way, sir. I don't have to listen to your abuse."
"Call the fucking sheriff because I haven't even warmed up if this makes me miss my flight!"
Her supervisor was standing next to me because frisking must be done by a same sex peon and he shut her up and sped me through the process quickly and rather gently. I thin had to sprint to the farthest gate in the airport to get my flight while the gate agent is calling me BY NAME over the airport PA system. Sprinting through the airport gathers attention, but luckily nothing else happened in Dayton. The plane took off and landed without further incident.
Nothing of note happened between Chicago and San Diego save for the 75 minute wait on the runway to take off.
I can emphatically say FUCK UNITED AIRLINES. Do not do business with these dim witted cretins.
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